:: The Adorable Cookie Monster ::

:: Anisa and Aris ::

The day of my final paper, Anisa passed away. Anisa is Dila's 9 year old sister.. and she passed away to leukemia. Dila with 4 siblings.. who would have thought that Nisa, the youngest would have such a battling disease at such a tender age. Dila told me last Dec that Nisa was diagnosed with leukemia. I was in US at the time, so that was ok.. however, when I came back last January, I didn't make it a point to visit. I was too busy being self-absorbed in my never-ending love dramas where as I could have touched the heart of many, just by my presence and my support.

What a horrible friend I am. I'm not horrible in general, however, this incident has made me feel very, very bad. I know I can never turn back time and it is done with, however, guilt will always remain part of me.

Days will always bring me back to 2001, where Anisa and Aris were tiny tots. Aris was 3 years old, Nisa 4. Dila and I took them out on their first date together. Well, their only date. You know how boys get as they age, how they are soooo not friend-ing girls. I can still remember the images I took with my camera as Nisa and Aris held hands going up the escalator.. how cute they were playing together at Megakidz. I don't have that many memories to keep as I never took the time to spend with my friend's family.. however the memories that I do have,  I will cherish.

It is sad knowing that Nisa was a week from celebrating her 10th Birthday. It's even more heartbreaking knowing that her family had bought her a pretty dress and Osman had bought her a baret all the way from Turkey and they were unable to give it to her. As much as we all think it was unfair of her to leave (her beloved family esp.), who are we to question the Almighty. I am amazed at how Nisa spent her days.. for a 9-year old, she never left her prayers, even though she was sick. She read the surah Yaasin and did solat Hajat. She has put most of us to shame in fact. At least, my mother seems to think that she has put Aris and myself to shame.

Regret is a really harsh thing to live by. After seeing that kids too, can leave us at such a young age, i told myself to start treating my own brother nicer. However, it is not easy for a person of my age to go easy on an 8-year old who is in need of a good foundation. Now is his crucial moments growing up. The friends he mixes with, the things he picks up from school, his study habits, his attitude and the way he communicates among family and friends. Also learning from my own mistakes and experiences, NOW is the time that I am also wayyyyyy harder on him. And he doesn't get that. He doesn't get WHY. I bet you, he must think that I'm the most horrible sister there is, at times. Always so hard on him. Always screaming at him.

One day you will know why i'm so hard on you, Aris. Maybe you're too young to understand now, but I hope that one day you will understand that I'm hard on you only because I love you. Should mummy and daddy ever leave us, you're all that i've got.. and I don't have any idea how i'm gonna manage either, but you can be sure that i will. So, til that day, I am gonna make sure that you have a good foundation at life, whether you like it or not.. and i'm gonna love you every step of the way.

:: So over being irresponsible and lazy ::

I finished my first paper 3 hours ago. Never in my life did I think I was ever gonna set foot in that very hall again.. and it's funny cos I did! Obviously, nothing much about the hall has changed but this time around, it was without the familiar faces and voices who accompanied me there, once upon a time..

I remembered how we used to drive up to the hall together.. or how you'd be waiting to know how i did in my paper, and you would already know it's the same answer I give you each time since we started dating back in 2001. How that used to annoy you each time, cos you'd get nothing else out of me... hehe

That hall had both good and bad memories.. and now after stepping foot in that same hall again, four years later... I'm glad that today's experience was definitely under "good memories".. (and no, i highly doubt it was because of the raisins!) ..so, how was the paper? "Ok!" *grins* (in case you didn't get it, THAT is my standard answer, even when it's a bad paper.. hehe)

This is my Horoscope for today. You know what? I actually like the sound of it... I have one more paper to study for in a bit, but first, I need to Zzzzz.....

The Bottom Line

There is more discipline in your life recently -- it is helping you, so enjoy it.

In Detail

There is more discipline in your life right now than there has been in a while, which is turning out to be a very good thing. Take a minute to look around at all the successes you've achieved, and you will understand the truth in this statement. You're so over being irresponsible and lazy -- it got you nowhere. Keep going down this disciplined path, and you will see continued growth and development, in both your personal life and your private life.

:: *sighs* ::

It's been 80 Days and it feels like forever.. yet THIS is what my heart wishes for... I wish for you. *sighs*

Sometimes I wish that I could turn back time
I check myself 'cause I was way out of line
I only hope that we can start all over again
I must admit that I was more than wrong
I used your heart like a stepping stone
Please forgive a fool who doesn't know what to do
What do I do?

And I wish that I could have just one ore chance
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
'Cause I, I wish for you

In my mind I can see your face
You're on the breath of every word I say
If there's anyone to place a blame on it's me
Baby can't you see?
And I wish that I could have just one more chance
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
'Cause I, I wish for you

I wish for you
I wish for you
Oh baby I wish ...
I really miss you baby
I think about you baby
I wanna hold you baby (all night long)
I really need you baby
I wanna hold you baby
Stay (won't you stay) with me
Just stay with me

And I wish that I could have just one more chance
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
'Cause I, I wish for you

I wish for you
I wish for you
Oh baby I wish
For you

:: Recovering from Rejection ::

I came across an interesting article that may be of benefit. It was an eye-opener to me in the very least.

We all get rejected at different times in our lives. Our lovers unexpectedly break up with us. Friends terminate relationships sometimes without rhyme or reason. The job that seemed like a shoe-in doesn't happen. The college you banked on accepting you with open arms sends a terse rejection letter.

Rejection hurts whether you are prepared for it or not. There is a whole series of emotions you go through when you are snubbed. These emotions are similar to what one goes through while grieving. At first it is extremely difficult to take in the rejection experience. It often feels like being totally abandoned and left to fend for yourself. You end up in denial. The rejection does not feel like it actually happened. It feels surrealistic, a trauma someone else is facing, not you.

The next emotion experienced is rage. You are angry with the person who rejected you. You may feel this anger intently or it may be experienced as more distant. Often the rage becomes self-directed. You express anger at yourself for not being "good enough" for the rejecter. You dwell on second guessing and wondering what could have been. You blame yourself for her leaving and at that point you are indeed broken hearted.

The next stage, is bargaining. You say to yourself, "If I keep living the clean life, she will come back to me." If I stop smoking, I will be reunited with my girlfriend." The next stage is depression when you begin to realize that the person who rejected you is not coming back. This stage is filled with sadness where the tears fall and the longing ache for the rejecter is realized.

Bitterness is also part of depression. It is at this point that you feel extremely resentful that you gave so much of yourself to your lover and now she is gone. You also realize that your vision of your former lover is tainted and she is not the virtuous person that you believed her to be. It feels like she bought the heaviest boots she could find and stomped all over your heart.

The final stage is acceptance where you understand that the time to dwell on this loss is over and it is time to move on.

Theses stages don't have any set sequence and you can experience more than one simultaneously. It also takes time to work through rejection. It is not a matter of snapping your fingers in order to instantly remove the pain.

Some folks are so devastated by rejection that they avoid social situations or other settings that may lead to rejection. They learn to not take any risks that even hint at the possibility of becoming emotionally wounded. Their lives become safe, but lacking passion and fulfillment.

Other folks attempt to escape the pain of rejection through drugs, alcohol, overwork or other nonproductive means of escape.

Oftentimes the most recent rejection triggers intense memories of earlier rebuffs. Most likely the earlier rejections have not been worked through and resolved. These rejections are experienced as abrupt, horrifying abandonment.

We are not taught by our parents or society at large how to effectively deal with rejection. First of all, we need to be aware that rejection is an essential facet of life. If we take chances and risks like trying out for a play, writing a book, applying to college or asking out the attractive "chicken", there is the distinct possibility that none of these pursuits will work out. Will your feelings be hurt? Of course they will. But if you don't follow your dreams, your life will be restrictive and perhaps most of all, boring.

The second truth about facing rejection is that you can recover from it. However, you will never resolve this loss if you push it away through denial or other self-destructive behavior.

You can take the following steps to recover from rejection:

1. Be aware of the different stages of grief you are experiencing. You may be experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, depression, bitterness or acceptance. Knowing what stage you are going through help put your loss in perspective and provide a road map for recovery.

2. Keep repeating to yourself that rejection is part of life and if you continue to pursue your dreams, they will eventually come true.

3. Make plans to actively face the pain of rejection by writing about it in a journal, talking to your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself. Talking and writing about your pain are proactive means for reaching resolution, while isolation and silence prevents the pain from being felt and released.

4. Begin a regular exercise program and feel the pain of the rejection eventually move through your body until you feel the weight of it lift and float away. When you are exercising, the endorphins are kicking in and you are able to face rejection in a calm, confident manner that does not occur when you are sedentary.

:: For J & W ::

Today's post is dedicated to two special friends.

We may not have been best friends since "forever" but you guys were always there when I needed one. or two. You guys rescued me with advice and through outings so I wouldn't feel so glum about life. You guys let me croak my heart out through rock kapak songs and rants. You guys let me into your group and made me feel welcomed there. You guys also always believed that one day I would stand on my feet again. You guys witnessed the day I actually started to smile...and I've been grinning from ear to ear since. Despite it all, the smiles that I show, you guys also truly know how I feel deep down inside. The hurt, the betrayal I still feel, the tears I silently cry.. and The One that I still truly miss. Yet you guys never give up. You guys still give me the encouragement I need to go on. To be strong. To move on. You guys tell me which trashy magazine to buy cos you know of it's importance to me. Indeed, you guys already know that it may just be a fantasy i might never obtain.. or that it's just a phase to forget. However, you know it makes me happy. So, you guys are happy.

and today, i'm happy for you guys too. Here's to friendship, love and building memories together. Happy 4th Anniversary J & W.

:: When the going gets tough ::

I am exhausted. i have been exhausted for days. luckily for me, tonight was exhaustion worth going thru. Battling traffic jams and driving for what seemed like HOURS on the road (because of the evening traffic), it was all worth it. at least for tonight i still believe so.

I've been stressing out over the due date of my finals for at least the last 7 days. I have been feeling nervous and overwhelmed by the idea of having to sit thru 2 papers next friday and saturday. Anyone who knows me well enough (or long enough) would know my exam woes. How sleepy i get within 2 weeks before the exam.. I would end up going to bed as early as 9pm k! I'd be yawning by 8pm! It's ridiculous k. and truth be told.. i did start falling asleep by 9pm last week AND i was still governed by dvds.. which made it all the more stressful for me to study well.

Things have been picking up well though a few days before. I slept at a decent hour, i woke up at a decent hour and i feel i got decent amount of sleep. not too much and not too little. just nice to be able to think and absorb my data. however, i was still stressing on the matter that my days are numbered and i have shitloads to cram.

Tonight, all that changed. I don't feel half as stressed out as I felt this morning. For someone who hasn't had a proper study group in more than 4 years, i think we did a rather good job tonight. rasa puas hati staying up reading my part and also reading other parts so i could contribute to those who weren't all that prepared.

With the better path that i'm leading now, i hope that all my efforts will not be in vain cos i think this time around, i deserve a pat on the back AND good grades to go with it. it's great to finally be able to say, "ok i dah usaha. so now, i'm free to kick back and bertawakal." :)

P/s: Lets just hope I forget to get sick this time around! heh

:: Engineers Make The Best Partners ::

Engineers once again beat all careers... Engineers are the BEST partners, so they say.. (the things you get off the Internet.. geez)

Let me tell you why your partners should be an Engineer over a Lawyer, Management, Arts or Medical School Graduate.

An engineer has three distinct advantages over the rest of the graduate.

Advantage 1: Secure lifestyle
============================================================
An engineer as a partner can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives a high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too.
Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in law firm.
Most management graduates have just failed in their first business plan.
The arts graduate is still looking for a job.
And the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.

Advantage 2: Unmatchable industriousness
============================================================
An engineer as a partner will dedicate an unimaginable amount of time and effort to understand you.
Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work.
You can believe that they will try really, really hard to understand their partners too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are "the one".
So even if they don’t understand you initially, they will keep on trying.
Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. a diamond ring = 1 week’s worth of happiness.)
And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear.
Unlike the lawyer who will argue with you.
The management graduate who will try to control your spending,
The arts graduate who will ‘change major’.
And the medical school graduate who will operate on you.
And you know what, it’s really so easy to make engineers believe that you are "the one".
Say that you like one of their project and they will be hooked to you forever.

Advantage 3: An engineer as a partner will never betray your trust.
============================================================
Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others -
The lawyer will lie about everything.
Management graduates will cheat your money.
The arts graduate will flirt and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate.

Your engineer partner is either too busy to have an affair, and even if your partner does, your partner is too dumb to lie to you about that. Hence, an engineer is the most secure partner that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you.

...and whoever came up with this crap, beware.. The medical student is going to cut you up, the arts graduate to make a master piece out of the remnants, the management student will analyse a potential market for the ‘master price’, and the law graduate will defend the three of them... heh.

:: Obsesi Hati ::

Saya ada obsesi hati.

Obsesi hati saya ada nama.

Tetapi, nama dia dirahsiakan untuk sebab-sebab tertentu.

Antara sebab-sebab itu ialah nanti saya malu.

Bila saya malu, muka saya akan merah padam.

Lidah pula akan kelu tidak terkata.

Saya terlalu malu untuk bercakap dengan obsesi hati.

Oleh itu, saya mampu melihatnya dari jauh sahaja.

Melihat dari jauh kadangkala best juga.

Dapat melihat gelagat dirinya bersama kawan-kawan.

Lepak sambil bergurau-senda.

Obsesi hati saya suka senyum.

Senyumannya membuat degupan jantungku laju.

Laju seperti lumbaan kereta Formula Satu.

Tidakku sangka dia akan membuatku senyum begini.

Dialah obsesi hati.

:: 4 In The Morning ::

I was just about to Zzzz when Junad texted me at yes, 4 in the morning, with a piece of info that can ONLY make you smile in your sleep.

Since 4 in the morning, I knew that my today is gonna be a GREAT day. Came 8am, I found out another tiny detail as well. If all goes well, it might be the PERFECT day.

Junad & Co., Nizz is not rusty. Nizz just forgot the strategy. Just pray I don't screw this one up!

:: Angau ::

Wow..

It's been half a month since my last post.. i've been "busy".. busy with school, busy with work, busy with sports, busy with family, busy with friends.. i'm a little worried that i may not be able to juggle everything well.

I am more collected these days.. at least i noticed that i'm more collected than before. i was struggling with my school work and it was so cute cos my two guys came rushing to my aid, to help me with it.. and they also helped me produce a good job too. yes, help. i have learned from past mistakes, there will be no "photocopying".. this time around will be authentic and original.

With that, I finished a 33-page report that I must have sent over to the lecturer 4 times to proof-read and he was ever-so-ready to accept my drafts, especially since it was he who asked me for em, online! The outcome of that report was superb. The confidence for a good grade is there.. however, it's the written finals (for both papers) that i'm a lil jumpy about.

I can't believe that I'll be taking my exams in THE very hall i once graced before. I can tell you now that it IS overwhelming.. those were the very halls where i took my first uni exam.. those were also the halls where I have memories of my dear ex.. how we went to exams together (while we were together), how we didn't go to the hall together (while we were on a break) and just because i saw my ex come with someone else, terus takde mood, and i just went home (yes, without even sitting for the paper).. (i retook that paper and passed it within ONLY mere hours of cramming & meeda & azah's tutoring.. it WAS impressive!! hehe) .. this was also the hall whereby i jotted down the wrong time for my finals (i know!! ME screwing up the time?? impossible kan?!! a person who is sooooo meticulous to things like this! a person who makes sure that she's more than an hour EARLY for her exams..) and how erina and I screwed a semester because of MY mistake. (i'm still sooooo sorry ena! you know I am, kan?)

yep.. i will once again grace these very halls that has so many memories, so dear to me.. at the end of this month. *gulp* so time to actually *study* now...

i've had a great time with friends this week & i am now very up-to-date in the movie region as well. for the first time in a longggg time have i ever smiled this much.

and seeing you again, might do the trick. if only i wasn't so shy...

bumped into cher last night. cheryl samad and i go wayyyyy back. she's so successful, that girl. am really proud of her. it was just yesterday that she was Kakak Marvelous Hour and now, acting in many dramas and hosting many events and she sings?? anyway she looks amazingly skinny now.. cher, you gotta tell me your secret babe.

met sasha and her new beau as well.. come on nizar.. we got stories to share! hehe....

did i mention that i've been smiling like shit? i've smiled wayyyy too much, i think i'm gonna tear a smile muscle k.. and i've actually named my bike after you..

this angau feeling can really make one feel deliriously happy. ajaib kan?

i don't know why but thinking about BP (Bangunan Peperiksaan), reminds me so much about the past. and well it has me singing..

...Because I'd still say yes to you again
My Darlin' for you, I do it all again
Yes, I'd still say yes to you again
Darlin' for you, I do it over and over again...