:: The Adorable Cookie Monster ::

:: The Paradox of Our Time ::

Some of you may have come across this piece before.. some of you may not have had the pleasure of reading it yet.. I saw this on the wall of my ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat) Specialist and I thought that it was well said.

The paradox of our time in history is that :
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
We spend more, but have less;
We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgment;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
But have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character;
Steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun;
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is a time when there is much in the show window
And nothing in the stockroom;
A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
And a time when you can choose either to make a difference
Or just hit delete.

--- Copyright © 1998 Jeff Dickson

:: Statistics Don't Lie ::

How my stomach churns looking at their pictures together. Sekarang tak sudah-sudah.. bila lama sikit dah had enough. What was the word again? Rimas?

How can I be sure? Well, statistics don't lie and a tiger can never change its stripes neither can a leopard change its spots.

I was once told.. "Don't worry Nizz.. Aza akan menerima nasib yang sama seperti kau.. sooner or later"

(Apa lagi.. All bets are open! Cepat.. Cepat!)

:: Liberated? ::

For once in my life.. I feel rejuvenated. I feel free. I feel liberated. I feel happy. I had a great day yesterday..

For days now we were trying to plan out Suff's birthday dinner and finally, unanimously, we had it last night.. Just a simple dinner at The Curve but it's the company that really matters.. The fact that everyone could make it, made it the perfect part of the night, I reckon.

Majority wanted our karaoke session after dinner.. well, after you hear the 2 singers at Heaven croaking all throughout dinner.. you'd wanna tell them to scoot over and you take over the mic, ok! Needless to say, I got my Dirantai Digelangi Rindu.. I actually sang REM's Kasih Kembalilah.. a song that I liked listening to during Ex #1's time...   moment.. hehe.. after croaking 15 songs (give and take) i sounded like I croaked for a voice as well. terus suara pun dah takde.

I felt alive last night.. and it's not really often that I feel that way.. For the first time, I was okay with being single, even though my company were 3 other couples. Managed to catch Ocean's Thirteen right  after karaoke-pool-foosball session and I don't know if it's really the age at fault or if it's the lack of sleep but I realized last night that I don't do midnight movies as well as I used to.. hehe...

I also had a good day today too! Finished all my workload before lunch time.. and I played a really good game of badminton today.. i actually creamed Kak Nija & Abang Azhar 15-0 in the first game today. I'm still not as good as I would like to be but I've improved a lot in the game.. last friday's game was really horrid cos I was lethargic AND I also had a really YUMMY burger ayam double special PRIOR to going on the court! ooh.. it was really, really bad. It was just as bad as when I first started out agaknya!

and there's tonight.. I'm smiling tonight. I don't even know why. No, it's not because of anyone in my life.. and nothing really "special" has happened either.. I just feel good to have come out of my shell today cos it's a rarity these days.

Now, I'm off to continue my Heroes marathon and I'm off to bed.. I'm still working on the idea to actually wake up by 6am to study! I haven't succeeded.. *sighs* due dates are near and exams are just around the corner..  wonder if i'm really cut out for all this.. wonder if i made the right choice to go back.. For now, I shall just ponder upon it. Good night.

:: All of a sudden I miss everybody ::

I just finished watching One Tree Hill's Season 4 Finale.. and I am feeling sooo.. I don't know.. I just feel so sad all of a sudden..

(unintentional spoilers may result from this post.. well, not really but i might blurt bits and pieces out.. yes, unintentionally..)

The season finale was about how it would be the last day for the seniors at Tree Hill High.. and knowing that it would be "their" last day.. aku yang sebak lebih.. hehe.. i know it may sound stupid but I feel very connected to that show. How I can't stand Karen.. How I have my on & off moments with hating-liking Dan Scott.. How I really worship Nathan & Haley's relationship that made it against ALL odds.. (HEL-LO.. between drunkie-druggie mum Deb and dictator-pushy-murderer dad Mayor Dan Scott.. the chris keller moments, the dramatic wedding reception which resulted to the near death experience.. the nathan-brooke oopsie video.. the gone penniless moment which resulted to the loan shark incident which stripped Nathan of his Duke Blue Devil dream.. and almost resulting to Haley not being able to give her Valedictorian speech..  Seriously, ALL ODDs k..) and there's my favorite Brooke Davis-Lucas Scott relationship even though now there's Brooke-Chase (THEY, I can STILL like.. Lucas-Peyton? *urgh!!* I CAN'T STAND THEM!!)

Yes, as stated earlier, my two favorites would be the Nathan-Haley and Lucas-Brooke (or as forums actually call them Brucas.. haha) relationship. I can't believe I've followed all 4 seasons religiously. I can still remember the first time I watched One Tree Hill.. It was back in 2005 and I was in a new budding relationship then.. being the non-tv-junkie that I was, I was however dating a walking tv-guide who's life is a whole box of ASTRO. Well, back then, dia belum life with Astro yet laa but tv junkie all the same.. I remember that day when I saw my first episode.. the love of my life explained what was going on & that it was only the first few episodes, so i hadn't missed much.. and as we went along in our relationship, the show followed on too..

When I started out with One Tree Hill, Nathan was with Peyton.. but The Day Nathan got together with Haley, I knew that they were made for each other.. and they gave me hope. I was in need of hope at that time, and they gave me that.. They made me believe that their bond was much stronger than any obstacle they had to face. Sure, it's "just a show" but.. it's a show that I can really relate to.. I don't expect anyone else to understand my attachment to the show.. cos you really don't have to. It's my thing, lemme be.

My own relationship (then) had obstacles, struggles and enough drama to last me a lifetime.. but no matter how crazy it gets between us, my other half (then) made me complete.. and up to this very day, post break-up, I realize that I may never feel complete again. That's the true hard fact. My Baby Sayang completed me.

"I guess I should have said something. Anything. I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer, it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written. But when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you're pretty much screwed no matter what you say."

...and every time I think of One Tree Hill, I'll always have my Baby Sayang in my thoughts and in my heart..

Always and Forever, kan?

:: Dead but Still Breathing ::

It's the third day that I've been feeling quite weak. My body's system has not been the same over the last three days. I haven't had a good appetite since Hazel's Birthday BBQ and i've been having headaches that's lasted for 2 days. Still, i forced myself to play badminton yesterday, even though i could've passed out... and right after that, I dragged myself to the gym. Today, woke up feeling just as weak as yesterday and I still dragged my butt out of bed and got it to work.

Omar complained in my last entry, that i blog only when i'm "jiwang".. or in this case, feeling rather blue. Lately, I've not had the time to blog cos I rarely have time to just sit and write. However, he may be right.. but that's because I've been feeling rather blue and the feeling doesn't seem to be fading away at all. IT'S THERE! ...and it's really not fair either.

Last night, as I was driving home from the gym, XFresh Fm aired "our" song.. PerMYsuri (by OAG).. That song that reminded me of that certain someone. My heart dropped to the car floor when i heard it. You see, once upon a time, if there was a song playing on the radio, and if it reminded me of a loved one, I would send that person a text stating which radio station to hear ASAP. However, last night wasn't the case.. I can't even remember when and what song was the last song I dedicated to this person.. but at least if I have one memory, this very person dedicated the very last song to me on the 19th of April this year.. Hall & Oates' - Kiss on My List.

A long time ago I asked this person, Name me three songs that reminds you of me?

1. Kiss on My List

2. PerMYsuri

3. and it really sucks cos for MONTHS i've been trying to remember the third song and for the life of me, I CAN'T! :( and what makes it worse is that I can't even ask this person anymore to soothe my curiosity! ntah-ntah by now, dia pun tak tahu jugak.. dah dedicate one too many songs to one too many other people, kot.

Guess what? PerMYsuri was played again in the office over Hot Fm. I haven't heard that song in months and what are the odds of happening to listen to it twice in two days, ey?

Sometimes things may be a coincidence. Other times, it could be a sign. Frankly, I don't believe in coincidences.. i believe they are signs. Signs that are trying to tell you something.

Right now, I don't know which I want to believe in more cos i'm still very much unhappy.. I may put on a smile, only because I'm required to put one up for show but there are days like today, where I just don't feel like smiling or talking to anyone for that matter. I feel tired & teary. I wish I could forget the hurt that i'm feeling.. but I can't. As much as i'm trying so hard to push it away, I just can't.

Friends can only do so much. They can be there for you but they also get tired of listening to you. They don't get it. They don't get you. Once they pep-talk you over a break-up, they expect you to also have amnesia. They don't enjoy hearing about how miserable you are for the billionth time.. and they certainly don't understand why you're still in love with that very person who bludgeoned your heart.. They can't begin to imagine how your heart aches for this person and how you cry yourself to sleep everynight missing, wishing, wondering... unless they've been thru that exact kind of misery for someone THEIR heart once bled for.

I tried to make my rship work. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how long I patiently waited, ..None of it mattered. It didnt' matter that you were always there for that person thru thick and thin and it didn't matter that you were willing to be that person's forever. It didn't matter how much feelings you invested in feeling something for that person.. and it certainly doesn't matter how many uncountable tears you've cried for them, now that they're gone too.

I am just so tired of feeling the way that I do. I am so tired of crying and I'm so tired of pretending that i'm doing ok. I'm so tired of asking God for guidance and HIS help to heal my broken heart.. HE's probably not helping me out cos i've not really been a good follower either. Tit for tat, i guess.

I've always had a good heart. I'm usually kind to people and very, very generous. but within all good deeds, people can actually find ways to make you feel really hurt AND insulted by telling you that they doubt your sincerity. If these are comments from people I don't know, it wouldn't affect me at all.. not in the very least bit!! but these are words coming from someone who should know me pretty well and who i've trusted and who i once gave my heart and soul to.

Buat baik dibalas baik, buat jahat dibalas jahat.

(Do unto others as you would have them do unto you)

I used to believe in it.. until recent events. It's a whole lotta bullcrap, that line. What I've been going thru has only confirmed that there is really no use in doing good deeds to others cos you just get burned at the end of the day.

Karma is a myth cos IF karma really existed, a lot of really evil people would have gotten what they deserve by now. Who cares about later judgement when NOW is the time that my heart is bleeding and NOW is when i need my justice to be served.

There's someone* out there who is waiting for me to be okay again.. to be able to give that person who may OR may not deserve my love.. I used to be someone who could really love someone else.. with all my heart, unreserved, unconditionally..

...but I don't think I could ever be that person again.

*yes, and this someone does have a name.

:: Another Used To Be ::

fI wish I could write more frequent.. I mean really, really write.. I do have stuff that I wanna blog about but when I think about it.. I end up too lazy to trash it out..

Some days, happy stuffs happen.. these days, happy days do come however, i also feel it's still rather incomplete.. and then there are sad days.. sad days suck cos well, how could sad days possibly be all "woohoo" right? it's sad days where i feel like trashing all my emotions here but somehow i don't. i don't wanna end up hurting that person, should that person be reading it.. and of course the factor of common friends.. that just wouldn't be nice, right?

Then again, i'm battling with the idea IF i'm really too nice or if i'm just another horrible, angry person inside but trying my best to contain those feelings, to look.. nice? i have so much pented-up anger and hurt and a whole lotta feelings inside of me, i just wish that sometimes, i had amnesia and i wouldn't remember the things or people that hurt me anymore.

i was back in penang for a good few days and the journey to & fro also reminded me of a lot of things.. My Forever knows that one of my most favorite drives would be the journey to ipoh & kuala kangsar. How my heart would jump or in other words, hati berbunga-bunga bila nak ke sana.. Now, I stare at the long stretch of the highway and sometimes I can feel my heart drop to my stomach & hear my heart pounding so loudly just because i remember...

Anyway.. it was a really good weekend.. for the first time in a long, long time.. the whole family were living under one roof.. my grandparents actually extended a room so that we all could fit under one roof when Raya comes.. or in cases like this when we "decide" to all balik kampung at one shot! Only 2 of my cousins could not join the "family reunion" as they could not get off work.. but between the 5 of us, we still had a great time.. the movies (which weren't great at all).. the arcade.. the rollerblading.. the bowling alley.. the midnight Batu Feringgi drives.. the even later-night dvd sessions.. the whole pusing-pusing together is what it's actually about.

It was a good family break but somehow.. i feel that i need a break on my own for a bit.. there are too many things that are going on in my life right now, i kinda need a moment to breathe it all in..

I've never felt my time so utilized before.. to work, to go back to school, to study, to figure out the whole assignments thingy, to still maintain my sports activities & to slot in the company of good friends when i can.. i was offered a place in 2 universities, not some crappy expensive college in the outskirts or middle of the city.. so that's kind of an achievement now, don't you think?

Starting over is awkward.. it really is. You can't undo the time you've wasted and the gruelling emotions you've had to deal with.. but you can start over.. Start fresh and make things better. Time is not a really favorable friend of mine at this point as it's taking it's own sweet self in healing my heart.

...and there's him. The one name who seems to be calling me everyday without fail.. The one who video calls me when i'm away.. and the one who puts a smile on my face every now and then.. but i'm only human, one who has become even more sensitive than before and more fragile than I ever was.. i don't want us to become another used to be*.

*Joe's Another Used To Be